If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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