Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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