guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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