I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
