Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
