I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
