My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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