He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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