I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
