you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
