She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
