well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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