Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
