Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
