I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
