my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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