Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You ate ashes out of my bong
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
