I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
