Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
