Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
