I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
