I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
