Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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