I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
