I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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