Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Randomize