i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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