you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
