he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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