Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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