He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
These tits shall not be calmed
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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