he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
