I never want to see another naked old woman again.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
