i'm signing you up for texting rehab
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
