These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
