I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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