I wish I could teleport
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
