Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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