The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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