Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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