She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
