For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
