Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
