fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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