Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
