I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
