I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
