my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
