fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize