dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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