FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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