Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
