I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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