I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
