that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize