hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
