My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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