I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
